So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
