she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
