Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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