I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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