even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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