If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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