Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.