Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.