he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pooping to opera.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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