I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
