I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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