She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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