I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo