Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.