I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
