yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
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He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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