AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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