Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she told me i tasted like america
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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