please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(