Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card