if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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