you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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