ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
