She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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