hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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