my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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