I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
