I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
