Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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