what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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