I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
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So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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