y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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