You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
