I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
