Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
