mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
