I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
