walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize