People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
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He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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