Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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