I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...