No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
