he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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