the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize