I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
