So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh god it's open bar.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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