i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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