I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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