So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
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I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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