im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So squirting runs in the family.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.