How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
